Last week I discussed ‘permission.’ That my job is very often about giving an entrepreneur ‘permission’ to grow: to open the door and see what it could be like, to see the potential for himself and his company. But as I wrote last week:
…Going through that door can be painful. Because you’ll need to have a couple of conversations: one with your team, admitting that maybe you don’t have all the answers. And one with your spouse or partner, saying that you have room to grow: that you’ve had a dream, and you’re going to pursue it…
It’s the second of those painful conversations I want to look at this week. There’s no doubt at all that setting up and building a business puts a strain on a relationship. If you Google ‘business success leads to divorce’ the number of results is terrifying.
But sometimes a regular blog needs to go into deep water. Besides, we’ve tackled loneliness and depression in previous blogs: why not marriage guidance?
(A note on pronouns before I start. As around 75-80% of TAB members are men, and as I’m going to relate this to my own experience, I’ve used ‘he’ for the entrepreneur and ‘she’ for the partner. But swap them round and every point I make is at least equally valid.)
So let me share some of my own story…
When I pushed breakfast round my plate in Watford Gap services and made the decision to start my own business, it wasn’t just a decision about me: it was a decision about my family as well. And yes, it lead to a lengthy conversation with my wife. It also lead to a couple of years of being largely dependent on Dav’s income: years when I was building TAB York and Dav paid the price in going without a lot of life’s luxuries.
Dav’s income allowed me to pursue my dream. You might say that in the same way I give an entrepreneur permission to look through the door, my wife gave me that same permission. I’ll be eternally grateful for that.
Were there some tough times in the first two years? Was the cash flow – with two young children – strained at times? Did it get a little tense occasionally?
Yes to all three.
As I’ve already said, starting a business puts a strain on a relationship. But it’s not just the cash flow – and now we move into real Venus and Mars territory.
The entrepreneur starts a business: his thoughts go something like this:
I’m starting this business for the benefit of my family. Sure things are going to be tough for a while, but ultimately we’ll all benefit. She must be able to see that – and she must be able to see that I’ll go insane if I stay where I am.
His wife takes a different view:
Our security’s gone out of the window. We might not be able to pay the mortgage this month. The kids need new clothes and I need a holiday. And all for what? So that he can spend his days trying to build “a better widget.” Like the world needs another widget…
Then there’s attention: or lack of it. As Dav would tell you, there were plenty of times in the early days of TAB York when I was ‘there but not there.’ All entrepreneurs are the same. Suddenly your head is full of staff who aren’t performing, suppliers who aren’t supplying, the inevitable cash flow problems. It’s all too easy to forget the things you used to do together: date nights, weekends away, the simple act of listening when your partner is talking to you…
Communication is vital in building your business. It’s vital when you come home as well – especially when you’re no longer the boss, but an equal partner.
I often write about the importance of communicating the vision you have for your business. There’s an exact parallel with a relationship. I don’t want to use the word ‘vision’ as it’s too impersonal: but you need to keep focused on the future; on what you want for the family, and for each other.
That’s what Dav and I had – and it’s what we still have. And more than anything, that helps you keep business in perspective.
So yes, there were tough times: some triumphs and some disasters. But as my pal Kipling would say, we tried to treat those two impostors just the same. And we met with pizza instead of steak and treated those two just the same as well…